Tag Archives: Envy

Grief is my dark side…

‘Miracle challenge week 4’ – write a short story, not sure if mine qualifies as short 🙂 using prompt sentence ‘everyone has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.’ Challenge number 1.
From the words of the famous writer Mark Twain – ‘Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anyone.’ I think to a degree, there is a dark side in all of us, that we don’t want others to see, because we are afraid they won’t like us or love us. It has to do with our character and personality and possibly our individual zodiac sign – ‘everyone has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.’ Mark Twain was born shortly after a visit by Halley’s Comet, and he predicted that he would ‘go out with it,’ too. He died the day after the comet had returned. He went out with a bang so to speak, just like our boy Jacob. Packing so much into the rest of his life right up till the day before. He is our shining star, like Halley’s Comet.
Well I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen Jacob’s dark side, particularly like the clip that accompanies this blog called ‘Jacob’s bad side.’ I hope the clip won’t scare too many people as it has a horror undertone & special effects.  Jacob came up with the idea that Ben would catch his dark side on camera in a little movie. With his creative talent he pulled it off and a nice piece of filming payed off, adding another one for his collection. Amy was supposed to help but she couldn’t throw the ball the right way so she was cut from the production. Rachel wasn’t there at the time, and Ben was in control of the camera, running scared from Jacob’s dark side which was luckily great acting and trick photography on his part. Who doesn’t love a good scare!
Let’s take a look at the dark sides of zodiac signs as we all know a bit about the good traits. A book reveals all called ‘ the Darkside Zodiac,’ by English astrologer Stella Hyde. I’ll check out how my family fairs. According to the book a Pisces’s (Jacob) dark side is Envy. Ben & I are both Gemini’s and because they are twins we apparently need two for each twin – Pride, lust, envy, and greed. Pete is a Libran – vanity, greed and sloth. Libyans would find it impossible to choose just one. Amy is a Virgo and insufferably pleased with herself, cruelly critical of everyone else – Vanity sums it up. And Rachel is a Scorpio. It says that the Scorpio dark side is darker than the rest. This brings a smile to my face because we as a family have seen her in action and we’ve always said ‘she has a sting in her tail’ just mucking around as families do. Their favourite deadly sin is lust – for power, for money, for status and for revenge. When looking back at all if the information just shared ‘take it with a grain of salt.’ Please don’t take it seriously as I’m sure it was written in fun. I don’t want to offend anyone with my writing 🙂 Reader reviews of the book have said it’s funny and hilarious not like your regular book about horoscopes.
I can relate to a little bit of my dark side using the word ‘envy.’ A dictionary describes the word ‘as the feeling of to have what someone else has.’ Yes I am envious of young adults who get to live out their lives to the fullest, why was Jacob denied of this? By having these envious feelings make me a bad person? I hope not. I’m pretty sure envy plays an ugly part in grief. As I look at his friends status’s on Facebook I really celebrate and enjoy their ever changing lives for the better over time as I hide my dark side feelings of envy. I swallow it and try and hide it just like the other nasty emotions this tragedy has bought about. I’m not proud of this dark side. I’m envious of the person I was before Jacob’s passing. I want to go back to being the mum of four, to my old life, the way it was before. Before we lost Jacob. Before the heartache and sadness.
As the many dark sides of grief manifest in my mind, body and soul I’m constantly learning how to deal with these feelings as they appear at random times throughout the day and night. Learning how to control them, and to stop letting them control my life. I’ve got to stop feeling guilty for finding my ‘smile’ again. And Jacob would want us to continue to ‘smile’ – see miracles in life everyday. Grief is my dark side, and the emotions that come with it are what I hide. In Lexi Behrndt’s own words – ‘even when the darkness once again encroaches, it’s the stars that remind me that there is always light,’ and Jacob is my star and my guiding light towards healing.

– Grief only exists where love lived first…