Category Archives: connection


connection: The word connection is good for talking about the way things relate to each other. Your special connection to your cousin might have something to do with your mutual love for science fiction and barbecue.

A connection can be physical, like the leash that provides the connection between you and your German Shepherd, or emotional, like the connection you feel with your best friend. Any kind of direct relation is a connection as well, such as the connection a detective makes between a footprint at a crime scene and a suspect’s favorite pair of shoes. The root is the Latin connexionem, “a binding or joining together.” – taken from How do we connect to someone who is no longer with us anymore? 
I still have his iPhone 6 that sits on his memorial shelf along with his straw hat, wallet and other special items that belonged to him. His hands held tightly onto that phone as his life became to end. Even though he wasn’t capable of using it he wanted it to be left with him within reach of his hand as he lay in bed. But I can’t connect it to him now as I could before when he was physically here. I still have all his messenger inboxes and sms texts sent from him on my phone and I’m dreading the day my phone dies as I will lose all those precious moments in time. His last words to me on messenger were – ‘hey can you roll us over’ on the 26th September (11 days before he passed) as the disease had made him a paraplegic and he couldn’t reposition himself in bed. His last phone text message was ‘Oops sorry 😮 😥’ What did he have to be sorry for? I was the one who was unable to fix him. I’d love to listen to his voice mail message again – to hear his voice on the line. His older sister Amy used his phone for awhile before getting a new one. She copied down some of the communications with family members as we knew that when she put in her SIM card in the phone we may lose the content from the phone. I was happy that she was using his phone and he would have liked that too. 

I can still connect to loved ones around me, my husband, Jacob’s older siblings, my family, friends and work colleagues using the hand held device. If only Heaven had a phone. As I browsed online for words that offered comfort in one of my sad moments I came across this anonymous verse – ‘I cannot dial your number, I can’t get through to you. I called the operator, she did all that she could do. There is no code for Heaven, I cannot place the call…there are no numbers left, because I’ve called them all. If Heaven had a phone! I’d call you everyday. If Heaven had a phone! There are things I would like to say! I’d tell you that I love you and that I miss you everyday. But Heaven doesn’t have a phone, and so for now…in our hearts you will always stay.’ 
As Heaven doesn’t have a phone, I have to think of other ways to connect with Jacob. Sometimes I have to think outside the box from using all the ways of connecting with him. Not everyone believes in psychic mediums. I was hesitant to go to one at first. But something beckoned me in to seeing a lovely lady who sat me down and began to tell me things no stranger would ever know, even if they scoured the Internet or Facebook. She revealed information that broke me into flowing tears and turned them into smiles. She even knew precious names that had been picked out for a baby that was too beautiful for earth. She said a young male with a curly mop of brown hair was with me with a ‘J’ sounding name. She gave me a message from him – ‘hi mum, I’ve been waiting a long time for you to come.’ I visited this lady only 4 months after his passing as I was more than a bit sceptical of the whole thing. Hawaii 5 O was mentioned, I explained that we had scattered some of his ashes there but she was adamant that it was more than just the country Hawaii itself and kept adding 5 O after saying it (implying the television series). I covered my mouth with my hand and drew a noisy breathe in as I remembered that Hawaii 5 O was filming an episode at a motel that backed onto Waikiki beach on the day we scattered his ashes and I had said to my husband that Jacob would be in his element with all the fancy equipment of cameras, lights and action as the career path he had chosen to follow was becoming a cinematographer. She said he ‘was’ there with us on that day. I have a recorded copy of the reading as a remembrance. I walked out of there wanting more and I have had the pleasure of seeing 6 different psychic mediums now over the last two years. They have all been highly skilled at their given talent, all having unique way of connecting and communicating the messages from our loved ones.   
The last talented man I saw took a walk through my house and could visualise where things were situated. He took a walk in my family room where Jacob had passed away in and mentioned their was a framed picture on the wall with writing on it. Yes, we had a piece of paper in a frame which was a letter Jacob had written to his future self. He pointed out that there was also a framed piece of clothing. This was a caricature of Jacob painted on his t-shirt on our last family holiday in Hawaii. The man asked who the painter and decorator was – he was talking about my husband who had recently ripped up the carpet in bedrooms upstairs and polished the floorboards underneath and he said that Jacob approved of his bed being used again by his brother although in a different room. There were so many more beautiful verifications that he was still here with us all. He knew that a particular photo that was placed on his coffin at his funeral had been used many times. This photo was used on the front cover of my book titled ‘strong words from a wieckling’ in which 58 copies have been printed. 

I will continue to connect with Jacob through my periodic fix from a psychic medium just as I communicate to his dad and siblings and family and friends with conversations, with hugs, with body language, with the wink of an eye and an ever burning love in my heart. Oh how I wish I could connect like that in the personal space again with Jacob. I will continue to find all the beautiful ways to feel him near. In each sunrise, sunset, rainbow after a storm, the appearance of a feather, pennies from Heaven, butterflies and dragonflies, shells washing up on the shore, songs that play on the radio, in things that are ‘orange’ my new happy colour, using his camera and seeing the world through his eyes. 
I will finish on a slightly humorous note (Jacob had a wicked, dry sense of humour) Why did the medium cross the road? To talk to the other side. Just as Adele’s song belted through the iPod shuffle on the eve of his 21st birthday, our first one without him. ‘Hello from the other side’ sang out just as the clock hands ticked over for his 21st birthday. Thanks for the continuing signs JCW love mum x 


Week 28: ‘Connect’ 

 Jacob, I’m connected with you, no matter where you are. This I have to tell myself as I gather around the ones I love on special occasions like a bon-voyage for safe travels, a birthday or an anniversary. At this occasion we weren’t the noisiest of patrons at the Italian Restaurant near our house. Our voices bellowed out joining in the laughter, chat and banter as a constant battle to be heard. My 80 year old dad joined us for this family gathering taking his faithful crossword out of the newspaper to distract his mind away from the noise as he can’t handle all the high pitched noises now as his hearing is fading. He sat up the end of the table with my nieces Isla & Aerin (his grand-daughters) as they were that little bit quieter than the young males at the other end of the table. My mum gave those boys a run for their money when she compared notes on exercises they do at the gym. Paul (my sister’s 23 yr old boy) was leaving the family home too, having just accepted a contract to play rugby union in Wales for 2 years so this night was included as a safe travels for him too, and his brother Mark (25yrs) is already making his plans to join him too but in a different sport – rugby league. My husband Pete joined us on this night too and I’m sure his love of pizza had a lot to do with accepting the invitation. My sister Trish and her husband Richard shared their stories of travels when they were young, before their boys were born. Ben’s feet will be walking on some of the roads we’ve already travelled on in our own discovery of the world. 

We were connecting on this night to say cheerio and safe travels for my 24 year old son the blonde boy Ben to begin his Europe exploration for the next 6 weeks. Although the table was long and filled with beautiful humans from my life, there were vacant and empty seats amongst the celebrations. My eldest daughter Amy 28yrs had another prior engagement with some university friends so she sent her apologies to attend the night. Rachel 25yrs my second daughter left our family home on Christmas Day on a wonderful trip of a lifetime to travel to the UK and work her way around with her boyfriend Adam, so her saved seat sat empty too. My children’s cousins from my sister Trish – Luke (20) and James (25) had double booked on the evenings event so we missed their company too. My brother Stephen (dad of my young nieces) was absent too as he was enjoying his mates 50th birthday on a surfing holiday at the Maldives and had left his girls for a few days with my mum and dad. Jacob has been missed and his chair has been empty since the 7th October 2015, but just like the rest of our missing family members on this special night to wish Ben well in his travels, he is always with us. His chair may be empty but his presence fills the empty space in our hearts in everything we do. 
This photo is a bit blurry but I don’t mind it helps to read into the chaos and noise of this night. We will continue to enjoy and makes the most out of these connections we have with the ones just like the one on this occasion. As the years change and life continues to flow on we might find it harder to all be together in one place at a time but the ones that are missing are never really far away. Their names will be spoken in conversations and stories will be told just how it should be so cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family.