Week 46: ‘Pause’
When I first saw this weeks photographic word prompt ‘pause’ I immediately thought of time. This photo was taken at Sydney airport, this time at the departure lounge. The photo isn’t that great and I’m sure my mobile phone could have taken better. The one I tried to capture kept getting light reflections off it and was too blurry. This one was the only one that looked just okay. Maybe my mood had a lot to do with the taking of crappy photos, for I was sad to be saying goodbye to family. You see if I could pause time the lovely holiday shared with my UK relatives wouldn’t be so short as it was only just two weeks ago I shared the photo at their arrival. We’d pause the best bits of their holiday to take one more photo in order to capture everything that happened and the time to say goodbye would come much later.
Oh how many times would I have loved to ‘pause’ time. There are way too many moments in life worth pausing. If I did pause life for all those precious moments time we spend with each other on earth would be longer. I’d pause the moments of my children’s birth. I’d pause that wonderful moment when I met them for the very first time. I’d pause time at all those developmental milestones – first solids, first smile, first tooth, first words, first steps, first time riding a bike without training wheels, first day of school…I’d want to pause them growing up just so we have longer time with Jacob before having to say goodbye. Twenty years was not enough.
I’d pause the moment that I first met my children’s father, our first kiss on the hill of Bong Bong Picnic races, our wedding, our relationship that created our beautiful children. I’m sure there will be many more moments yet to come that I’ll seek out the pause button of time – when my children get engaged, buy a house, get married, have children and I become a grandparent. It wouldn’t be fair if we just paused time on just the most happiest days. We may learn the hard lessons in life differently if we had more time and could pause it. Even though I know the outcome of what happened on October 7th 2015, if I could pause time I would get more opportunities to say all those extra things I could have said but didn’t. I’ll always wish I had of said this and said that to him before he took his last breath. But I’m sure he knew what was in my heart if the words never passed my mouth.
Wouldn’t it be nice if could use these buttons in life – PLAY the moments, PAUSE the memories, STOP the pain and REWIND the happiness.
Week 45: ‘treasure’
I’m not one for speaking out loud and making speeches. My words form better in writing. I get nervous when I have to speak and the words come out way to fast and people comment that they can’t understand me. Although I can play the part of a character in our local theatre pantomime. Maybe this is because I’m playing a part and not being myself. I remember when my son Ben (this handsome lad with me in this particular photo prompt was at his recent PE teaching graduation at university) was graduating year 12 at high school his friend who was school captain delivered a very motivating and fantastic speech that has stuck in my mind for many years. He quoted a few words from the Disney movie ‘Treasure Planet.’
The young man from Ben’s school reached out to the audience confidently, highlighting to the student the journey they soon would be on leaving high school and finding out who they are and where they wanted to be when they left school – ‘and I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don’t feel, wanna hold on and feel I belong’ and ‘they can’t tell me who to be, ’cause I’m not what they see. And the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me…’
‘Now you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you got to take the helm and chart your own course, stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you are made of….well, I hope I’m there, catching some of the light coming off you that day.’ I did catch some of that light coming off my children as they ventured into the wide world outside of the comforts of school. Amy has followed my footsteps and is an Early Childhood Teacher, Rachel is a chef/event manager at a local winery, Ben is teaching at one of our local Catholic High School and Jacob was well on the way of becoming a cinemaphotographer. As a proud mum I would say these words from the film – ‘look at you, glowing like a solar fire, you’re something special Jim. You’re gonna rattle the stars, you are!’ All my children glow a bright light – on the outside and from within, with Jacob shining bright from the dark sky at night, guiding us all along our journey in life. As we look into the stars at night we feel him there –
‘and I feel you now,
I’m not alone
I always know
I’ll always know where you are
And when I see myself
I’ll always know where you are
And when I feel the sun
I’ll always know where you are’
These are the words from a song from Treasure Planet called ‘Always know where you are.’ We’ll always know where you are Jacob and you’ll always be with us 💕
Week 44: down the road
This particular walk down the road (and a long drive) led us to our local international airport. We set our alarms to wake up before the dawn to drive to greet our relatives that had endured a long flight from the UK. The sky was dark as we made our way up the highway. My girls drove off in one car and my sister’s car followed with my mum and myself comfortably seated and ready for a noisy trip of chatting to one another (as if we hadn’t talked to each other for a lifetime) after all we were all excited to see my Aunty and her son and his partner. Two weeks is not long enough for a holiday across the world, a holiday to spend quality time with family you haven’t seen in forever. It never really matters that the time past between visits, we pick up where we left off.
Once we got to the airport we met up with my girls as we’d parked in different carparks and made our way to terminal 1 – arrivals A. We had our own scene from the famous movie – ‘Love actually’ with hugs and happy tears as we spotted them walking down the ramp to the entry space. My daughter Rach had offered to go to the bathroom with my mum ( who can’t seem to manage a cup of coffee without saying ‘she’s busting’ only 1/2 an hour after consuming it, plus her sense of direction is woeful and we laugh about that – so if she went to the bathroom by herself we’d have to send out a search party to get her back) so they missed the arrival by 2 mins.
It was turning into a beautiful crisp summer morning as we made our way to our cars. As it was early we decided to show off our beautiful Sydney coastline with a bite to eat at Coogee beach. We ate breakfast in style with a beach view back drop as we dined on our yummy delights – nothing beats a poached egg with smashed avo and lime on sour dough to start the day. Once we were full of food and catching up conversations we headed on a 2 hour journey home with our visitors.
Visiting the airport is either happy or sad. Happy at arrivals and sad at departures. That’s just the way life is. You can’t have one without the other. We’ve had more than our fair share of sad since the passing of our beautiful brown eyed boy Jacob, but we are trying hard to continue to see the happiness that life can still bring our way as we live it in ways that would make him proud, honouring him in everything we do. I’d like to think that Jacob is just travelling to all the places he’d wished to have visited in his lifetime had it not been cut short. I’d like to imagine that I’ve just dropped him off at the airport to await a fantastic trip, give him a big bear hug and kiss and wish him well on his way as any proud mum would as they send their kids off by themselves for the first time.
Quoting Ellen DeGeneres wise words about roads….seemed to fit with what I have written in the paragraphs above – ‘You just have to keep driving down the road. It’s going to bend and curve and you’ll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.’
Week 43: Glow
A few weeks ago we had a big clean up in our ‘games room’ and threw away a lot of clutter and things we’d collected over the years that we’d never use again. It was hard to throw out some things. It broke my heart that my girls wanted to throw out some of their stuffed toys that had adorned their beds when I tucked them in and read them stories before sleep when they were little. But I had to respect their wishes, although I went back while no one was looking and rescued my individual favourites from out of the pile and placed them in a bag to show their children when they eventually arrive. Even my husband piped up and said ‘Amy’s not getting rid of the teddy I bought her when she was born’ (that made a noise when you rocked it back and forward) No! I responded and reassured him it was safe in her room. A plastic container in the corner of the shed had been home for all of our favourite books and stories. I was going to donate the well loved books to our local book shop for new owners to thumb the pages. The books were all in good condition and featured well known best sellers like Stephen King, The lord of the rings, the brother’s Grimm stories for children. Some had hard cover, some soft. The container lived in our hallway for a week or so waiting to be taken to the shop, but it was thankfully taken back to the ‘games room’ to it’s original spot in the corner for future avid readers.
I think it’s harder to get rid of accumulated stuff because of the memories tied to these forgotten treasures, particularly if I find old broken favourite toys of Jacob’s. If I throw things out its like losing parts of him all over again. I’m keeping Rachel’s pink, blue and white Fisher Price dolls house and furniture that she got on her 4th birthday and I’m not getting rid of the waffle town farm set with roads etc either. They will get played with again by chubby and sticky hands again. When I think of toys being thrown out I am immediately brought to the movie Toy Story 2 where Jessie the cowgirl sings ‘when she loved me’ and tears well up in my eyes. Disney movies will do it to me everytime.
While rummaging through the mess I stumbled upon an action figure that was given to Jacob when he was around 3 or 4 just after the release of the movie ‘Small Soldiers.’ Him and his brother liked the movie and characters (not really sure if it was age appropriate at the time). Ben received Chip Hazard and Jacob got Archer one Christmas morning much to their excitement. I have the video of them opening their presents that morning to prove it. Ben’s Chip Hazard had a hazardous life with his head being pulled off by his cousin so early on in his existence with our family and was played with mostly with his head missing as he fought the Gorgonites in battles. He is now missing in action. Whereas Archer has been found, old batteries removed, new ones replaced and is in fine working order when his button are pressed he proudly states – ‘I am Archer, leader of the Gorgonites, prepare for battle, defend Gorganite castle……rarrrrghh’ as the green circle medallion glows on his chest. You can swing his powerful arm to hear a metallic punch too.
In this photo Archer’s medallion is glowing while he’s hanging out with other heroes from my children’s youth. My boys both had 2 Buzz Lightyear toys to carry around, Jacob’s was the original colours and Ben’s was special edition black. I had Woody in my possession minus his hat as it was misplaced in the years that he was played with. When my boys were cleaning out their room with my mum when they were heading towards their teenage years they placed those Toy Story toys in a bag to be sorted out to be either stored away or donated to charity. Unfortunately the bag they were in got mixed up with the ones to be thrown out so it was a case of Toy Story 3 where Andy’s toys in the bag was accidentally thrown into the bin. At least Andy’s toys were eventually found, ours were not. My husband knew how much those toys meant to me so he bought me a new Woody and Jessie. I haven’t opened them yet just like the Old Prospector was never let out. I will gladly shared these favourites with our future grand babies. As I look at these toys I am reminded to feel old as I realise that the toys my children used to play with have become collectables and will eventually become antiques. Archer has been kept well and looks great for an 18 year old toy.
I will finish with a quote from Woody in Toy Story 2 – ‘I can’t stop Andy from growing up….but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’ We won’t get to see Jacob grow up for he is forever 20, but we are so glad we had 20 years with him in our world although we will always wish for more.