I’m a day late with writing my passage on ‘myths’ in the Capture Your Grief project. I was too emotional to put my finger on the keypad as it was the first anniversary of our beautiful boy’s passing. I’d been thinking for a long time about how I’d be on the day when it came around. I did think that it would be just like any other days as he is constantly in my thoughts on any given day on waking and before closing my eyes at night. I went to work so it would keep my mind active leaving less time to let sadness seep into my existence. I was conscious of the time on the clock when I got home as he passed at 4.33pm in the afternoon. We had planned on having a gathering with family and friends to acknowledge this significant time in memory of one’s life. I had the house to clean and vacuum, stuff from the shops to buy as I’d forgotten to get a few things that we may need for the afternoon/night, then I had to shower. But when I looked at the clock that moment in history, the ceasing of his breath, that time had past. I had missed it – the opportunity to pay respects to my beautiful brown eyed boy x

A brief moment of guilt washed over me before I began to get things ready for everyone’s arrival. Jacob’s sister Amy bought a game to play during the night – a game that was a favourite of Jacob’s on tv, ‘The Chase.’ He would have loved the banter of answers being called out in the confusion of who was meant to be answering that particular question. We laughed with him and for him as we played. As the sun slowly disappeared the solar fairy lights twinkled into action and proudly became a beautiful backdrop to his life size cut out of his 6ft 2inch frame that we get out of the box at all the family celebrations and get-togethers (others may find it strange, but that’s how we roll). We ordered pizzas as we sat around together, sharing laughter, tears, food and we rang his drink bell at his memorial bar to have a toast to him.

I topped off the night with a late night spa contemplating what life has given us throughout the first year of his absence – including all the myths of grief:

* the pain will go away faster if you ignore it

* It is important to be ‘strong’ in the face of loss

* Grief should last about a year

* If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss

I’m sure there are many more. The pain of loss never goes away. You can’t hold out being ‘strong’ all the time – let the tears come freely, at all the random times they come. Grief has no time limit – I will grieve and miss him for my lifetime. Grief has changed me, sculptured me into another person, one who cries more easily, thinks deeper, my outlook to life has changed. With Jacob’s love from afar he is helping me to ‘smile’ – see miracles in life everyday and be thankful for everyday I’ve been blessed with and in James Taylor’s song lyrics line – ‘shower the people you love with love…’
A mum’s hug lasts long after she lets go. I hope you can still feel my arms around you Jacob x