Hi I'm a 51year old married mum of 4 beautiful young adults. Three young adults on earth and one beautiful boy in Heaven. I am 'blogging' in honour of Jacob my 20 year old son who passed away in Oct '15. I will share my feelings, emotions and memories as stories to help keep him alive in as many ways possible and with the hope the stories help other families who have lost loved ones.
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Day 2 of grief journaling – I love it when I dream of Jacob. It’s like he’s really visited me and we’ve made contact. When I wake up from my dreamy slumber I get a warm fuzzy feeling that I’ve just chatted with him over the phone like I do his siblings. He visits me in all different ages and stages of his life. People may think that it’s my memories showing up in my deep subconscious when I’m asleep, but the scenes are different, ones I’ve never had with him before. Sometimes he appears as a toddler, sometimes as a dorky preteen with braces, sometimes he wears his signature fro and other times he’s bald and unwell from obvious chemo treatment. These dreams are in colour and I can often recall the details in the morning. Today I’m sitting outside by my pool waiting for an online live streaming of a funeral of a dear friend from my nursing days. It’s so sad that we can’t go to offer our condolences in person, for human touch and hugs. I waste time by looking through Instagram. I glance away from the screen for a second to watch a bird in the huge tree overhanging the pool when I remember Jacob taking a photo of this view that my eyes could see. I look up his Instagram account and searched for the photo he’d posted. I found lots of views around the pool. I began to recreate Jacob’s photos with my iPad camera. I can’t recreate family portraits of my children from when they were little to the age they are now, so I’ll twist that idea a bit and recreate his photos. Not much has changed except the size of the trees and varying leaves for the different seasons. I loved reading all the positivity in the words he wrote to accompany the photos…..
Awesome sunny day
Times like these, times like those, what will be, will be and so it goes – Jack Johnson 🎶
Everything is gonna be alright in the summertime – Thirsty Merc 🎶
I have enrolled in a ‘30-day grief journaling course’ with What’s your Grief – Health and Wellness website. Today is day 1 – looking at barriers that could get in the way of a daily journaling practice and write at least three goals you have for this course.
I sometimes have to be in the right frame of mind to write. I find it better if I have a task or topic to write about to stir the creative juices. I do feel guilty that I’m wasting time when I should be cleaning the house, or exercising while staying safe at home during the covid 19 pandemic. I have always liked writing my thoughts down and I find it very cathartic & it helps to shape my mind into a healthier space. Goal 1 – I will try and take photo each day to accompany that piece of writing. Goal 2 – I will try and take out a period of my day to devote purely to writing and will complete the journaling prompts. I know each day will be different in the way that we deal with our grief and emotions and the words will be reflective of the way we are feeling at that particular time. Goal 3 – I will try and get outside in the fresh air to write, if it’s raining I’ll sit on the verandah, if it’s nice I’ll walk to the jetty with my iPad & snap a photo and start writing. It’s a rainy day today and emotions are running high. I’m worried about my mum being on her own as the whole country is forced to stay at home. She’s lonely without my dad who passed away early February, just only 2 months ago. I try and remember what grief was like in those early raw days. It’s been such a shitty start to the year what with bushfires, poor quality air, flooding, a pandemic and the grief of losing 7 people who I know and love with all my heart. Thank goodness for technology, wifi and tv. I watched one of my favourite shows on tv which brought tears as I heard a song my mum & dad listen to as I was growing up. I know the words off by heart and I think it would be a perfect song for my daughters wedding to honour her grandparents love – ‘true love’ by Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly. We have had to postpone their wedding till next year because of this horrible virus that’s putting our lives on hold. I took a walk in the rain out the back of my house and counted my 100 steps and noticed the pattern of rain on the glass table. I placed my iPad underneath to keep it safe from the rain, switched the camera around to face me and took a selfie. Unrecognisable messed up face just like the mixed emotions that can manifests over a 24hr period.
I hope you’re back visiting Dovercourt, Harwich Dad 😘 love & miss you forever ♡ sleep easy & give Jacob a big hug & kiss for us x We’ll look after mum for you x here’s a poem my dad wrote about memories of the hometown he grew up in, where he met my mum when she was sweet 16, & where my siblings Trish & Stephen & I were born.
Thinking of Home by David Ling. Take me back to England – take me back today To the town where I was born – how I miss old Dovercourt Bay. Take me to the lighthouse – I can smell the seaweed there, Take me along the windy prom to tangle up my hair. Just about here I’m thinking the Cliff Pavilion stood, With Queen Victoria watching on in a very sombre mood. Twas here just fifty years ago I met my future wife At a summer dance on a Saturday night the luckiest day of my life. Then on to the Spa – into the park to watch the squirrels play A go on the swings and down the slide, then be on my way. A bit of a hike to take a line and fish off old Stone Pier But for all I ever caught there they didn’t have much fear. Then onward down to Harwich where we used to moor our boat Where I watched her go down in a gale one day, she lost the will to float. Just past the wharf to Ha’penny pier where we used to catch the ferry, To Shotley or to Felixstowe for a day of making merry Watching trawlers coming and going alongside the Trinity ships, The follow your nose up a side street for delicious fish and chips. Round the corner to Gas House creek and the railway ferry crane That my father once worked when I was a boy and aspired the same Through Bathside past the sinky mud to a railway bridge by the sea As a nine year old a most beautiful sight having been an evacuee Then up to Dovercourt High St, past the lights to look at a place Where I worked for ten years in my twenties and recognised every face On up the hill where the Regal once was – next to my first high school, Where the French teacher gave me my nick name for acting like a fool. Down the lanes to the back of the school was the daunting Toboggan Hill, On the few snowy days in winter sledges flying what a thrill. Now I’ll look over to Parkeston Quay to watch the ships sail by, After that stroll through the Hangings at dusk when bats invade the sky. I’ll head out westward to Copperas Wood, bluebells there to pick And on Wrabness foreshore where the tide comes in so quick, Then I’ll make for the Wix Wagon pub through pretty country lanes And down a couple of English ales to soothe away my pains. Meadner through some winding roads to Oakley Little and Great Into Mayes Lane to Ramsey church and Chafford where my mate Spenty many years there cooking for the boys of the school. They used to have a smashing Fete though it rained as a rule. Through Tollgate past The Devon and onto Dovercourt Green Where if you’re lucky daffodils to make floral scene. The Memorial – the water towers – then wander down the Drive The Skating rink – Putting green, the Boating Lake that I’ve Dreamed about quite often in the years I’ve been away, Then I’ll be back where I started on my Odyssey today.
I never thought I’d be able to speak at my dad’s funeral to deliver his eulogy. I have always had more strength in writing words rather than saying them. But I wanted to do it for him, to show him I could do it. For him, for mum, for my sister Trish, for my brother Stephen, for family and for friends. I stood in a middle standing space surrounded by love from my siblings and spoke from the heart, sharing these words and adding extras like a actor forgetting their lines where they ad lib.
Dad was born in Essex England in 1936 to Kit and Sid. He had an older sister Brenda and has a younger sister Josephine, still living there. In spite of the war he had a happy childhood. After high school he joined the airforce, then trained in electronics and eventually became a tv technician and managed a shop.
He met mum when he was 19 and she was 16and they have been together ever since. They married in 1960and we’re blessed with 3 lovely children haha I’m the favourite (don’t tell anyone) Trisha, Debbie and Stephen.
Dad always wanted to come to Australia but mum wasn’t as keen, but eventually gave in and in 1969 along with their three children then aged 8, 5, & 2 they emigrated and have never regretted it. Dad got a job in Sutherland with a tv repair shop and they rented a unit in Cronulla, right near the beach. Every weekend they would drive south to look for a place to build a house with a work shop so dad could start his own tv repair business. Luckily they found Mt Warrigal overlooking beautiful Lake Illawarra. They bought land and had their house built with dad’s workshop underneath and it became Mt. Warrigal TV services.
It was lovely for us children as dad worked from home and mum was at home too, answering the phone and taking in tv’s for repair. They had wonderful neighbours and friends and always made them welcome. Last Oct on dad’s 83rd birthday when his health wasn’t good, they moved to an over 55’s home at Lake Windamere, near Little Lake where dad used to swim everyday until his breathing difficulties made it impossible. Once again they settled well and had lovely neighbours. There it was easier for mum to care for dad as his breathing struggles became worse. Dad was a wonderful husband, dad, grandad and will be missed terribly. We have some wonderful memories but how to you share 50 plus years in a few minutes? I’ll share some with you here from all of us in no particular order…..
When we had first arrived in Australia our family was invited to a bbq at his new boss’s house. His boss told dad to bring a plate. Well dad came home and told mum ‘he said to bring a plate.’ ‘What size plate?’ – mum asked. ‘I’m not sure, he didn’t say’ was dads answer. ‘Maybe they haven’t got enough’ mum thought. The day arrived and our family turned up with an empty plate and mum handed it over and said ‘we weren’t sure what size you needed.’ Maybe this is why pommies have got a reputation of being tight.
Pronunciation of the Aboriginal places near us – Ulladulla, Cronulla, Bulli,
Appreciation of music – lounge room watching thunderstorms and he’d conduct the music as we heard the thunder and lightening crash. We were born in the Beetles era, I can remember getting in to trouble for putting smarties down dads new record player. After visiting the club he’d come home and play the piano or put Beethoven on his record player
Made things to entertain us on bbqs, long skipping ropes for tug of wars and swings, he’d make kites with old newspaper and sticks,
Pete was expecting to meet a Chinese man when he met dad because of the name Ling, told dr on his last day he was a Chinese Pom.
His Gilligans island terrytoweling hat he’d wear,
He taught us to fish, how to bait up, gut the fish, untangle a line, pump nippers Prawning – only time you can wear clothes in the water. Trish reckons the only time me he got cross with her was when she threw fish back in to the water when he wasn’t looking
I shared his talent of stringing words together in poems and stories and Jacob tapped in on that creative talent too with his movie making.
Dad booked accommodation for Pete & I went we went away for a weekend before we got married & when we got there it was 2 single beds
Movie buff like Jacob but his classics & favourites were different, loved musicals, high society, singing in the rain, Oklahoma, South Pacific, sound of music, wizard of oz and he loved singing the tunes from them as well, he called my mum Samantha (fondly Sam) a character from the movie high society starring some of his favourites Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra (old blue eyes) & grace kelly. Richard will read a poem he wrote for their 25th wedding anniversary starting off with ‘dear Sam’ when we gather for tea & coffee downstairs afterwards & mum & dad would write ATW on cards to each other – ‘all the way’
Drove the council bus for before & after school care
He has a sweet tooth – worthers original, Maltesers, and Cadbury blocks
He’d always sit half sideways in his chair with his legs over the armrest
He like to have a little flutter on the pokies and the horses, if he won a bit he would say ‘little fish’ and after a bad day of betting he’d say ‘that’s because I’m a lucky man in everything else’ or sing ‘if I was a rich man’
he always provided for us (thanks mum) never needing/wanting anything more.
He was always there for us – we had a secure, loving childhood – he did everything with us, taught us so much to become who we are.
He was involved in our friends – he gave Trisha’s friends Cherie, Kim & Monica 10c to keep for an emergency phone call – & Kim still has hers. He called Stephen’s mates – Bradley my boy, Paul my boy, Frankie my boy & he loved the father/son drinks with Neil, Henry and Mick and all the boys
He loved parties & our friends always talked to him & mum & say ‘your parents are great’
He instilled a great love of family, including those in England and loved that our family grew and will continue to grow
He loved the ocean and beach & taught us to surf (even though he’d never surfed) he got us boards from the tip
He’d take us for bbq’s on Sunday’s & we could always bring a friend (plus on holidays too) he took Stephen camping
We’d have fish & chips on Saturdays and get paddle pops wrapped in newspaper
When we got lost driving on holidays he’d say a phrase that I can’t repeat in church but there’s one that I can say that we were going on a ‘magical mystery tour’
He loved playing bridge, particularly with his bridge partners Warren and Pronati
He always had a crossword or soduko game sheet in his hand, he loved watching the chase and other quiz shows on tv, and he could have easily won sale of the century.
He loved Aussie life and he took to it straight away, he loved his life and he loved living
But most of all he loved us, & we will always feel just like the words scribed in this Captain Corelli’s Mandolin quote – ‘your roots have entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part’ and we won’t.
C.S.Lewis once wrote ‘no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.’ He penned these words in A Grief Observed, a collection of reflections on the experience of bereavement following the death of his wife Joy in 1960. That’s just how losing a loved one feels, like fear….
According to Wikipedia Fear is an emotion induced by perceived danger or threat, which causes physiological changes and ultimately behavioural changes, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear in human beings may occur in response to a certain stimulus occurring in the present, or in anticipation or expectation of a future threat perceived as a risk to oneself.
Fear is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage.
C.S. Lewis explain his fear as ‘I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.’
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
I can totally relate to him feeling like this. After losing Jacob fear reared it’s ugly head in noticeable ways. It almost manifested as a panic attack like state. Fear of losing another child was high on the list. Any disappointment or upset in life hit me like a kick in the guts. The first year of loss came with the realisation that this was our new world, a world without Jacob physically being with us. I’d have to stop those raw memories of the last few days of his life playing in my mind when driving alone in my car. Fear of visiting the hospital to have a blood test right next to the ward where Jacob spent time in isolation would cause a rise in my blood pressure. Fear of losing my father when he was hospitalised for double pneumonia. Fear when Rach had been tested positive for influenza A.
I didn’t want fear to rule my life and I wasn’t about to let it. I have had to learn how to train my mind to slow these negative thoughts. I like to take a good hard look at the things I’m grateful for each day to curb those grief like fears rearing its ugly head. I try and SMILE – see miracles in life everyday. I have become more mindful with my thoughts that often prevent me from sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. I have needed to practice mindfulness. When being mindful my breathing slows, thoughts become less and I become more aware of my surroundings as I enjoy the freedom of photography.
We are only 3 months in to the year 2020 that I think will top Queen Elizabeth’s year of 1992 as her ‘annus horribilis.’ January saw Australia with the worst fire season with over 12.6 hectares burnt. Thirty three people lost their lives due to the fires and over 1 billion animals were killed. For months, we breathed air pollution up to 26 times above levels considered hazardous to human health. Following the fires rain fell from the skies thankfully putting the fires out but also caused extensive flooding with the newly burnt land not being able to cope with the extreme deluge.
February saw us mourn the passing of my dear old dad at the ripe old age of 83. I count my blessings of spending his last day on earth with us sharing laughter, smiles and tears and lots of opportunity to say ‘I love you.’ The fear with grief makes you see how fragile life can be and helps you to value it. Too many lives have been lost this year and tears have been shed for my dad, for Dave, for Lesley, for Mikaila, for Donna and for Les just late last night. It is in these times of grief we need to have that human connection of touch in hugs and kisses and kind words. Covid-19 has put a stop to humanity reaching out to hold space for those who grieve. Families are limited to a small number of people to say their goodbyes. Weddings have been cancelled and postponed, including Rach & Adam’s we were to celebrate this June. Families are forbidden to see loved ones for fear of spreading the virus.
Life is on hold. Jacob once said these words when he was interviewed for a documentary to raise money for a cancer unit to be built. We lived in hope that things would get better, and he would recover and get to live a long and healthy life. Things did not go to plan and we said our goodbyes to our beautiful brown eyed boy only just 2 months later after filming.
I hope this fear we face with the unknown circumstances of Covid -19 will disappear as quickly as it came and let us go back to our old life and pick up the pieces where we left off. I’m sure this year 2020 will change us all. My nephew posted a message on his Facebook page that he shared from a friend and when I read the words tears fell….’When this ends-AND IT WILL-every football match will sell out, every restaurant will have a two hour wait,every kid will be GLAD to be in school, everyone will love their job, money will sky rocket,pubs will be rammed, and gigs will be plentiful and we’ll kiss embrace and shake hands. That’s gonna be a good day Hang in there, World.’
A child without a parent is an orphan, and when a spouse loses his or her partner they are called a widow or widower, there is no word in the dictionary for a parent who has lost a child. I am forever changed after the loss of my 20 year old son Jacob after a short 13 month battle with Ewing’s sarcoma on the 7th Oct 2015.
An online creative workshop helped me get through my first year as a bereaved mum. While completing the workshop I came across a free four week, self-paced online photography class called Illuminate – lighting the path to photographic healing. This class seemed perfect as I was using Jacob’s camera and seeing the world through his eyes – the lens of his camera. During the class I had to think of a one word mantra to guide me through the year. As a grieving mum I chose ‘smile’ (see miracles in life everyday) as my one word mantra for nothing is as beautiful than a real smile that has struggled through the tears.
As I entered my second year my one word mantra was ‘focus.’ It was a year to focus on me & focus on my camera skills as an amateur photographer. The stories on my blog site took on a different shape as the words were guided by the photographs taken that year, but they still contained memories of Jacob within every one of them. It was a year to focus to get into a healthier eating pattern with the intent to lose some much needed weight.
My one word mantra in the 3rd year year was an acronym of the first letters of my children’s names – Jacob, Amy, Rachel and Benjamin – JARB. It was the year I tried to be a better version of me, for them. On reflection that year was the hardest one since Jacob’s passing as it became clearer that he wasn’t coming back and these random outburst of raw grief was going to haunt me for the rest of my life, for grief is the price we pay for love. The way we deal with grief is as individual as a fingerprint and DNA.
We are nearly coming to his angelversary, the fourth year without our beautiful brown eyed boy in our lives. The one word mantra that guides me through 2019 is ‘Shine.’ I googled lots of songs and quotes that contained the lyrics ‘shine’ and came up with enough reasons to vouch for my word of this year:
Let your light shine
Shine on you crazy diamond
Behind the clouds the sun (son) always shines
Do what makes your soul shine
A strong soul shines after every storm
Stars can’t shine without darkness
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine
Let your weird light shine bright so the other weirdos know where to find you
Rise & shine
You are my son shine
I will continue to find my one word mantras to guide me through each year as I made a promise to myself that I would live out the rest of my life in ways to make Jacob proud and what better way by choosing a word at the beginning of a new year to honour him with.
I was asked by Jacob’s youth cancer psychologist from Prince of Wales Hospital if I would like to talk about Jacob’s end of life conversations. I was then interviewed by a young journalist from Triple J – the Hack & the article has come out. I thought it was well written & certainly a topic that gets pushed under the carpet. Making small steps to improve things in honour of my beautiful brown boy Jacob ♡
‘Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.’ I am very fortunate to have loved both of my two careers – nursing and early childhood education. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. I’d like to think that I’ve done great work over the 17 years with both careers – 17 years as a nurse and this year marks 17 years as an early childhood educator. As a young child if I was asked what I’d wanted to be when I grew up my answer never changed – I knew I would become a nurse and a mum. I achieved both of my little girl dreams. With my career in early childhood my dream of being a mum (after being the real deal for 14 years) was multiplied by the hundreds of children that have came into my care since the day I was given an opportunity to complete a traineeship – certificate III in Early Childhood Education and Care.
I started my new 12 month career change opportunity as a mature age student on a minimum wage (a big drop after being an Enrolled nurse working weekends and getting penalties) and completed the theory component within 6 months. I was nominated by my team mates to be trainee of the year and went on to receiving the Phil Darby memorial trophy at Darling Harbour for being the ‘most inspirational trainee’ of that year. Knowing I was capable of doing distance education I decided to push myself further and enrolled in my diploma studies while technically still in the time frame of my traineeship of Cert III. I managed to complete 2 subjects in that time. Although it took me a lot longer to complete my diploma and my bachelor of education degree I love working in early childhood education and still do to this day, this hour, this moment and this week. But this week will be my last at the centre where I work now.
This week as I walk out of the door I will take with me all the wonderful memories, knowledge, the laughter, the fun experiences and wise words shared over the past 17 years from children, families and educators past and present to cherish in my heart. I will share some of the random best bits here in no significant order;
⁃ sharing information about the name of a common house hold spider while a child combs your hair with a stick and replies ‘my daddy has long legs’ and then tells me that I have ‘snits’
⁃ Dancing with the iPod on shuffle – ‘ego is not a dirty word’ by skyhooks plays – child pipes up and says ‘eagles not a dirty word’
⁃ On international yoga day a proud child greets me with an ‘I did my yoghurt today’
⁃ All the fun times away for weekends with workmates and as the saying goes ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’
⁃ The social nights out (plus breakfast, lunch and anything in between) for celebrations, farewells and just because….for no reason at all…just a catch up
⁃ Attending working bees with children and families on the weekend and cooking the bbq lunch in the winter sun
⁃ Writing a poem for boss of year competition and that person winning the category of funniest boss
⁃ Having to stop myself calling centre admin girls ‘ward clerks’ (once a nurse always a nurse)
⁃ Remaining cool, calm & collective when a child gets a huge egg on their head from an accident
⁃ Dressing up for many occasions – once dressed in a garbage bag as a sea creature with goggles, flippers and a snorkel for a concert in Children’s week
⁃ The outpouring of love my family was showered with during Jacob’s treatment, at the beginning and even more importantly at the end of his life and it continues as we live our life without him physically with us
⁃ An understanding hug at the start of the day as I arrived at work in tears when I own the feelings of having a rough day
⁃ Deep and meaningful conversations on your lunch, morning & afternoon tea breaks (and sometimes in programming time) in the staff room, office and kitchen, and both indoor and outdoor play areas with the children too & on group chats on Facebook
⁃ Celebrating what we all bring to the team, our culture, our talents, our love of animals, our hobbies, our sense of humour, our morals and values, and learning from each other
⁃ The six degrees of separation between the people I’ve worked with;
* first met the organisation manager at a child care centre where my children attended when I was nursing
* a board representative was once the Matron of the hospital where I worked as a nurse, and studied nursing with my mum in the UK
* a director at an interview knew my older sister having gone to the same teachers college as her and they were both dating brothers from the same family
* workmates were friends with people I went to high school with, some knew my family members and friends of friends
* the connections we make with the people we work with who have been through similar life situations, we don’t even have to say anything to them we just know how they are feeling
As I embark on a new chapter in my life as an early childhood teacher at a totally new ‘home’ (out of my comfort zone) I will hold my head up high and realise my self worth having worked alongside inspirational and dedicated educators over the past 17 years, and I will take this knowledge and experience with me from here on in, as I work alongside a new family of educators and fresh little minds to foster lifelong learning.
I will quote some wise words from Oprah Winfrey – ‘lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down’. To all the wonderful children, families, friends and team mates I’ve met in the past 17 years thanks for the ride 😊.