Hope

I’m not a fan of the saying ‘everything happens for a reason.’ What reason on earth gave my son Jacob Ewing’s sarcoma and take him away from us five years ago? Are there things given to us in life to test our strength, to see how we cope when things get thrown at us, and it’s hard to think that our souls choose our bodies to live in before we are born. Why would I choose a soul with so much heartache from grief? Parents should go before their children.

My own immortality has been put to the test in early Dec 2020 when a regular 2 yearly mammogram picked up a tiny lump of 8mm in my left breast, right above my heart. They’ve assured me that they’ve got it early. Why would my soul choose this road for me to navigate along?

I wrote some words in a previous blog that I would fight for my life in the same fashion as Jacob did, with sheer determination and strength. I felt him near as I faced my lumpectomy – the first step in getting rid of the ‘C.’ I do wonder if the heartache and grief of losing Jacob played its hand in bringing this on. Even though I am continuing to evolve in my new life without him, managing to find joy amongst the sadness – the ingredients to how well a cake is cooked with love, it has a mix of everything. My ‘go to’ happy therapies including African drumming and photography.

I know that Jacob will be my own guardian angel keeping me safe. I know I have a wonderful cheer squad on earth and in Heaven. As I began to write this new blog I was another step closer to getting rid of it after just having had the dye put in to highlight the lymph node and was waiting in medical imaging to have a guide wire put in my breast.

Fast forward ahead 2 months to the day I had my lumpectomy and I have a lot to celebrate. The cancer hasn’t spread to my lymph nodes and it has been taken out with clear margins. In 2002 I was diagnosed with a melanoma spot on my back which was removed under a wonderful surgeon and specialist. Strangely enough the numbers in both the years of getting diagnosed with cancer are the same – 2002 and 2020. My breast surgeon studied under the specialist that operated on me for my melanoma and at the same hospital that Jacob had his major operation.

In February I had 20 days of radiation to make sure the disease had all gone. My one word mantra to guide me through this year is ‘Hope.’ Hope for a better year for all, hope for a better future and hope for a clear bill of health. The word ‘hope’ seemed fitting to follow on from last year’s word which was ‘bloom.’ Where flowers bloom, so does Hope.

Just last month I held on to the word ‘hope’ as I visited my surgeon for my first ultrasound to see how I was travelling….hope I would be ok, hope he wouldn’t find anything nasty, hope that Jacob was keeping an extra eye on his mum. The results were in. I didn’t need to see him again for another 6 months. All clear. Thanks for keeping a close eye on me Jacob. I am never alone, my soul guides me and my guardian angel protects me. That is teamwork at its best.

‘Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure’ – Abraham Cowley

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