‘I am…’ 

‘I wish….’ that there will be no more sadness from unexpected premature death of all people regardless of age. I wish the whole population can grow up to a ripe old age and die in their sleep of natural causes. What a beautiful way to exit the world, to say goodnight, god bless, sweet dreams to loved ones and fall asleep blissfully happy on your pillow. There’d be no cancer, no cot death, no babies born sleeping, no suicide, no need for euthanasia, no accidents in life or war to contend with just like the lyrics that John Lennon shared in his famous song ‘imagine.’

‘I remember…’ when I was pregnant with Jacob not knowing whether he was going to be a boy or girl I secretly remember asking if this baby could have brown eyes. I already had 3 beautiful blue eyed bubs so I thought it would be really nice to have a little one just like their dad Pete – who has brown eyes. Jacob was born, and became my ‘beautiful brown eyed boy.’ I got my wish. 

‘I could not believe….’ that Jacob took his last breath to the song he’d introduced me to ‘it’s nice to be alive.’ I saw him take his first breath and last, although it’s not meant to be that way. He passed away with 19 family and friends in the room. Although it broke my heart it was peaceful. I sat on the edge of his bed, holding his hands, kissing his face and telling him we all loved him and giving him permission to let go. I would get up from his bed to give someone else a chance to say goodbye when his siblings would say ‘you’ve got to come back mum, he wants you’ and he would become less agitated as I came close again. 

‘If only…’ things had of gone how we had wished and hoped. That Jacob would be included in the statistics – that in 5 years time 25-30% of people who were treated for Ewing’s Sarcoma will be alive. Never once did we believe we’d end up on the wrong side of the statistics, that he would not be a survivor. If only he’d stayed in remission. If only he got the chance to have the stem cell transplant he was waiting for. If only we got more time with him. If only….

‘I am…’a bereaved mum, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an Aunty. I am sad, happy, broken, blessed, shattered, thankful, gutted, mindful and confused all blending into one on any particular day. I am no longer who I was before. But I am beginning to smile again – see miracles in life everyday with Jacob’s love and guidance from afar. I am a better person because of him. 

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