I remember doing one of those quizzes on Facebook finding out which side of the brain I work on more. As if it was scientific fact that this quiz was at all correct it revealed that I used the right side of my brain more than the left which controlled instinct, art, emotion, imagination, memory, creativity and music. I didn’t mind those outcomes, although thinking about creativity does bring up a conversation I often had with Jacob. He had said to me when he was young that he couldn’t draw, and that everyone else in the family had the gene to draw and he didn’t. Like every mum tells their kids that they can do anything their hearts desires – I told him he could draw and he was good at it. It wasn’t until later in life that his true creative talent emerged, and even though he wasn’t an artist who drew pictures he was an artist of another kind – a writer. He wrote his own stories to come to life in his fancy cinematography work with his camera that he saved up to buy, the one I’m trying to use in this ‘capture your grief’ project. I have them still on the computer in word documents. They are still waiting patiently to come to life in motion picture. I would always joke with him that he would make his mum and dad rich with his work in the future. And I truly believe he would have had he been given more time on earth to pursue his dreams.
Since losing Jacob I have rediscovered my creative side of my brain which gladly needed tweaking and awakening as the feeling of grief and loss tends to leave you pretty numb and unresponsive to finding new things to get you through the day. I am very grateful for a friend who introduced me to Francesca Cox’s ‘facets of grief’ a self- paced art therapy workshop for grieving mothers. It was through her website that I found out about the inspirational work that others offer for bereaved mothers – CarlyMarie, Lexi Behrndt, Beryl Ayn Young and so many more. I have been able to create so many beautiful and meaningful projects to honour the feelings of losing Jacob. Some of the creations were created by all the good emotions guided by all the wonderful memories and moments of his life and others were created by the all negativity and sadness that comes hand in hand with grief of losing a child. But the total amount of and effort for the all the pieces of artwork regardless of what emotion that was driven behind the creating was equal.
I have these creative heartworks scattered around the family room that have become a bit of a shrine in memory of my beautiful brown eyed boy. We might even have to get a bigger shelf as I keep adding items to the collection as I make them. This was the room he passed away him and a place I love to be in as i relax and watch tv and make chit chat with his siblings about how their days have panned out and what’s been happening in their young lives and snuggle with our cats and laugh at the funny things our birds says as he puts his 10cents into our conversations. We have an area outside too so his presence is not just confined to the indoors. We have his memorial bar outside with a plaque on it saying ‘capturing the chaos and creativity in Heaven on film’ where everyone can sit and have a drink for him and ring his bell to declare a toast is due providing you have a drink in hand. A couple of permanent markers are on the bar so people can write him a message, it’s the one time graffiti is allowed.
I guess I could say the words in my blog that I continue to write as I dedicate them to Jacob are my creative heartworks too. I write from the heart as stories of memories, love and grief.
‘Creativity is the way I share my soul with the world…’