‘Beautiful mystery…’ 

I am forever grateful that I have been Jacob’s mum for 20 years. But I long for more. I wasn’t ready to let go. I wanted to see him fall in love, get married, become a famous cinematographer and get his name in lights, become a dad, travel with friends, watching his mum, dad and siblings get a bit greyer in colour of their hair and to celebrate many happy birthdays. I saw his first breath and I saw his last although it’s not meant to be like that – parents shouldn’t outlive their children. 

I know he would have written several blockbusters, even better than the already brilliant ones we already have on his YouTube channel to watch. If you’d like to see creative talent in action tune into his two YouTube channels – CobbyFilms and JDScreens. I’m not sure how he created all those little skits on his camera that I’m trying to use in the ‘capture your grief.’ I really need to learn what all the buttons and settings are. I need him to be here and teach me. There’s so many reason for him to still be here. 
He would continue to become a beautiful new-age sensitive man, a man with good work ethics, a smiley faced adult who sees the positives in life. A sharp and snappy dresser – I remember his oncologist commented how she like his dress sense and he always looked really nice. I’d take him to see a James Taylor concert as he had lots of his songs on the playlist on his phone. I’d cherish more of those impromptu breakfasts and coffee catch ups on the weekends. I wouldn’t even mind being woken in the middle of the night to pick him up from a night out with mates after having that bit too much alcohol in his system to drive behind the wheels of a car. 
He has my smile, his dad’s dark complexion, the same curly hair as his sister’s Amy and Rachel, shares the same warped sense of humour as his brother Ben. We will forever have this connection. 
Our future has changed without a doubt and new adventures can’t be written down in Jacob’s page but in Lexi Behrndt’s words – ‘tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ I’m going to live the rest of my life living it in ways that would make Jacob proud and honouring his memory and keeping his spirit alive. He was here and he should be celebrated and we will gladly keep saying his name in everyday conversations – Jacob x 

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